you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
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