four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
