Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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