I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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