those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
