Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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