god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
