We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
