end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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