I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
