i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Success! We fucked roommates!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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