i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
