I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
