i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize
