very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
