Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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