Me. At least after what I've been through.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
