Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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