I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
