so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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