I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
