he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
