its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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