my phone needs a breathalizer
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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