Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
