absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
