Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
