I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
