Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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