You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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