Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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