You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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