Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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