in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
