ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
