Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
