I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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