She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
