These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
