Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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