I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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