I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
