My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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