last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
