I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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