so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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