ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i dont even know how to be here
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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