Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
