Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
