i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
