We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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