My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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