Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
