Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
