Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
