Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
