I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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