Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
