If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
