Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just cropdusted the office
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
