so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
