Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
